Searching for light ....
Recently I have been very negative in my blogs ... thats because i wrote them whenever felt very low ... didn't found much time to to write some casual mood blogs ... so lets try ... lets start with "yes" instead of "no" ...
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
I have lost my way ... i know the way ... but i am scared to walk alone ... i am lacking encouragements from you ... i am smiling as the happy face to stop the tears from running down my cheeks ... tried to cry in the rain but i got a cold ! ... anyway i don't like crying or see someone crying ...
My Dumb Luck & My Growing Pains
2008 been the biggest roller coaster ever ... i started regular, started the ascent ... but in no time it all went to ashes as usual ... the year gave me dreams which are set to be broken into pieces ... it gave me hopes, which were never seem to be there ... it gave me things which is impossible to cope, i prepared my whole life not to be in such kind of mess ... but it all happened ... and happened so fast, that i forgot to blink ...
life is a living hell, somewhere i read or heard, but i can make sense of it now ... you can skip a scene in a movie, make fast forward, watch a different movie ... but life is a movie which you need to see whether you like it or not ... there is no channel to change, no makeover to make ...
i never really understood why i always end up miserable like this ... i am a middle path taker ... never been better to be best, but never been worse than good... if you be good, do good, nothing bad will happen with you --- its a myth ... there were always a few high notes for me, but they always been just the starting nudge for the next miseries ... i had been so optimistic in my past life ... believed in waiting, doing it in the right way, will take longer, but possible to catch-up ... i am still playing catch-up ... still trying to make ends meet ... life is becoming more a foe than friend to me ... i am doing whatever best i can ... and then someday someone will tell me what i have done wrong, why didn't i do things in the other way, why didn't i tried harder ... but no one will understand why i did what i did, my options were lesser than a couple, my hands were tied to the ground ... i am still waiting for my fair chance ... i see lots of people doing great ... i thought i am a little better than those people ... i have better attitude, i will do things which will be appreciated ... but no, life have taken all the superiority from me, made me the inferior one ... now i don't have patience ... i feel like i am going to finish last ... no consolation prize will be there for me ...
whatever progress i made till now, all went into vain ... my sense of living make no sense now ... everybody have their own problems, busy with them ... nobody have a freaking idea how hard it is to live like this ... with all the pain ... its easy to hide but its damn hard to live with painful memories ... its hard to sustain when past takes over the future and present becomes a journey to nowhere ... i am doing my best ... but i would like someone to see what i am going thru for the last one year ... how i am trying to live a normal life in a abnormal world ... i don't know what is going to change in 2009, may be nothing at all ... may be life will become more dry ... love n happiness will succumb to pain n suffering ... others will less care ... will be less careful to feel the pain behind the smile ... i lost the possibility of everything i dreamt of ... or however i dreamt of ... i am back to square one ... meanwhile lots of time went by ... 28 years of mine ... a journey to nowhere ... i am at the rock bottom, trying to start again, but don't know how ... things will never be the same for me ... atleast not in a good way ...i will never be able to live my life in the stupid careless innocent happy-go-lucky way ... things around me are too sleazy or dirty for that ... i have no luck, only bad lucks ... i never understood why things so bitter for me ... i never asked for any luck, then why i am blessed with bad lucks and why am i dragged down more than i had climbed up ... i don't know what is wrong with this world ... why it is so hard for me to bring a little bit completeness in my life so i can atleast feel like a better person ... why the bastards have all the fun ... why the ass-holes fuck my life ... why horrible persons get everything, and the whole life, my good character gets nothing but shame, pain and crap from others ... bull-shit!
it feels like everyone got their fun in life ... but when my turn came it turn out to be impossible ... waiting is overrated ... time never comes back ... you can miss a good part of everything ...
need a restart ... a cold boot ... tell me it is possible ...
Lowest Denominator
Not the common one ... only the lowest one ...
Its like when you feel like the entity which plays the role of the floor ... it has its moments ... you can't fall anymore ... but everybody can fall on it and bounce back ... but the floor stays low forever ... well if you think if it is the second floor then its got a ceiling beneath it ... nope ... it is the ground floor or the -100000 floor if it is laboratory of the raccoon city ...
