Recently I have been very negative in my blogs ... thats because i wrote them whenever felt very low ... didn't found much time to to write some casual mood blogs ... so lets try ... lets start with "yes" instead of "no" ...
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
I have lost my way ... i know the way ... but i am scared to walk alone ... i am lacking encouragements from you ... i am smiling as the happy face to stop the tears from running down my cheeks ... tried to cry in the rain but i got a cold ! ... anyway i don't like crying or see someone crying ...
2008 been the biggest roller coaster ever ... i started regular, started the ascent ... but in no time it all went to ashes as usual ... the year gave me dreams which are set to be broken into pieces ... it gave me hopes, which were never seem to be there ... it gave me things which is impossible to cope, i prepared my whole life not to be in such kind of mess ... but it all happened ... and happened so fast, that i forgot to blink ... life is a living hell, somewhere i read or heard, but i can make sense of it now ... you can skip a scene in a movie, make fast forward, watch a different movie ... but life is a movie which you need to see whether you like it or not ... there is no channel to change, no makeover to make ... i never really understood why i always end up miserable like this ... i am a middle path taker ... never been better to be best, but never been worse than good... if you be good, do good, nothing bad will happen with you --- its a myth ... there were always a few high notes for me, but they always been just the starting nudge for the next miseries ... i had been so optimistic in my past life ... believed in waiting, doing it in the right way, will take longer, but possible to catch-up ... i am still playing catch-up ... still trying to make ends meet ... life is becoming more a foe than friend to me ... i am doing whatever best i can ... and then someday someone will tell me what i have done wrong, why didn't i do things in the other way, why didn't i tried harder ... but no one will understand why i did what i did, my options were lesser than a couple, my hands were tied to the ground ... i am still waiting for my fair chance ... i see lots of people doing great ... i thought i am a little better than those people ... i have better attitude, i will do things which will be appreciated ... but no, life have taken all the superiority from me, made me the inferior one ... now i don't have patience ... i feel like i am going to finish last ... no consolation prize will be there for me ... whatever progress i made till now, all went into vain ... my sense of living make no sense now ... everybody have their own problems, busy with them ... nobody have a freaking idea how hard it is to live like this ... with all the pain ... its easy to hide but its damn hard to live with painful memories ... its hard to sustain when past takes over the future and present becomes a journey to nowhere ... i am doing my best ... but i would like someone to see what i am going thru for the last one year ... how i am trying to live a normal life in a abnormal world ... i don't know what is going to change in 2009, may be nothing at all ... may be life will become more dry ... love n happiness will succumb to pain n suffering ... others will less care ... will be less careful to feel the pain behind the smile ... i lost the possibility of everything i dreamt of ... or however i dreamt of ... i am back to square one ... meanwhile lots of time went by ... 28 years of mine ... a journey to nowhere ... i am at the rock bottom, trying to start again, but don't know how ... things will never be the same for me ... atleast not in a good way ...i will never be able to live my life in the stupid careless innocent happy-go-lucky way ... things around me are too sleazy or dirty for that ... i have no luck, only bad lucks ... i never understood why things so bitter for me ... i never asked for any luck, then why i am blessed with bad lucks and why am i dragged down more than i had climbed up ... i don't know what is wrong with this world ... why it is so hard for me to bring a little bit completeness in my life so i can atleast feel like a better person ... why the bastards have all the fun ... why the ass-holes fuck my life ... why horrible persons get everything, and the whole life, my good character gets nothing but shame, pain and crap from others ... bull-shit! it feels like everyone got their fun in life ... but when my turn came it turn out to be impossible ... waiting is overrated ... time never comes back ... you can miss a good part of everything ... need a restart ... a cold boot ... tell me it is possible ...
Not the common one ... only the lowest one ... Its like when you feel like the entity which plays the role of the floor ... it has its moments ... you can't fall anymore ... but everybody can fall on it and bounce back ... but the floor stays low forever ... well if you think if it is the second floor then its got a ceiling beneath it ... nope ... it is the ground floor or the -100000 floor if it is laboratory of the raccoon city ...
Here we are in a new year ... 2009 ... 2008 gone but not everything reset or anything ... same issues, same differences, same similarities ... american economy in 50 ft under water ... job cuts ... We all started 2008 on a high note, went higher and so higher that the fall is the biggest in 30-40 years ... well one thing went good, the gas price is cut by 2$ ...
People say i am lazy ... laid back ... super cool etc etc ... but that doesn't mean I have put down no efforts for living ... I had to put a lot of work to be myself ... or to endorse a better experience for the people I care about ... My hard labor gone unnoticed due to lack of advertisement may be :) ... or nobody cares about my struggle ... Life changes the question after you find the answer for it - its been true for me in few occasions ... so sometime it seems all my struggle, my efforts wasted in time ... but also those efforts and struggle made me the man I am now, for better or worse ... so i will carry on as i did before ... results will vary based on, i don't know ... situation, surroundings etc ... the thing is - its not that you don't get the exact things you wanted, sometime its the exact opposite you get and have to live with that, no matter what you did in past or how much labor you put down to get there ... anyways it is what it is !
I am writing a series of blogs ... this is the first one ...
I have made lot of friends ... some really good friends, whom I hold close to my heart (and also felt close to theirs too) ... But there are few enemies also, I made along the way ... though I am a very friendly person, but you still get into the dirt without knowing how that's going to smell ...anyway ... I am sure I am not the enemy kind ... but still life make some unknowingly ... too good might be not as good as it feels like ... then after lots of pondering over the possible enemy list, I found the worst one ... its me ... yes I am my worst enemy ... surprised? ... me too ... ironically true ... life had given lots of opportunities, lots of chances to take ... not that straight-forward or risk free ... but as goes the round-robin league, randomly chances or opportunities peeked into my life ... i guess ... did i never felt the guts? ... I am a guy who thinks twice before taking step, puts himself into other shoes ... very careful not to hurt others by any means ... had the best intentions for everyone ... too casual? ... what is good , what is bad - been the driving force of my life decisions, indulged into responsibilities and duties ... lame career ... moving targets ... been good done good .. but never never fared a lot in the future ... didn't looked at the underlying loss, eating up all my savings ... the losses might not be subtle to ponder upon, but the opposite gains could have been enchanting ... I stopped myself going to those risky roads ... taken the easiest one, fairer one ... gone with flow or opposite the flow in wrong times ... yeah I had seen people who made best of everything, but I ended with nothing that's special ... few loving memories, few betrayals and few not-so-good life experiences ... I sabotaged my relations from inside and mostly gone head over heart ... waited too long for things too happen ... fighting all the lost battle, never gave up ... lived for the good part, looked at the better half overlooking the worse ... been the most unconditional ... kept the hope when there is none ... these might seem to be good traits of life in some way ... but I feel I have lost more ... I should taken the leap for the lesser known ... acted on the less tried ones ... was I scared to loose everything? ... I had the guts in me .. I could have leveraged my curious mind for better when I was settling for less ... trying for win-win is not always a good idea ... there are no regrets as such, but there are many times when I became my enemy and did all the good for nothing or settled for the consolation prize ... so now knowing the worst enemy is in me, I have find a way to make peace with him or declare war for justice to ongoing life ... I will live my life in my own terms, at least I can give a serious try!
Its a scientific theory which tries to determine the underlying pattern in chaotic system like weather, ocean currents, blood system etc ... But there are few things in this world more chaotic than beat of the human heart, speeding up, slowing down, always changing depending on whats happening to us out there ... its erratic! "The relationship between time and you is always one of master and slave. Start each morning with your wish for the day, and then move right on in into your daily goal list. Remember to keep them in behavioral terms and be specific. Why? Because a specific list is a happy list. And don't forget it's chaos out there. We conquer that by taking control, setting priorities. Life cannot be based on whim. Those who fail to control whim are destined to be controlled by it." I don't know much about this chaos theory, but if you look back in your life you will find out nothing seems to follow a pattern, things are naturally chaotic ... you play all your cards right, but there will always find a trump card which will scatter your winning pattern to the floor ... you might think you have control you are taking all decision right, but chaos will never go away ... question is when to give up ... and when to give in ... question when to stop worrying ... you might do everything right till now, but something will go wrong which you never expected ... there are things always going outside and inside of your scope ... we always keep a tab on inside but its the outside which makes things chaotic ... in life I have seen people doing things which may be unbelievable at first, unacceptable to norms of life ... even the most brave person takes a step back, the most trusting person cheats, the righteous person does a very wrong thing ... you inside system shatters ... becomes chaotic like ever ... what you do then? 1) you can accept / adapt ... increase your horizon, but its like opening a flood gate ... lots of thing will be there cluttering the small entrance of acceptance ... 2) you can ignore ... but ignoring you just don't accept now, postpone the decision, it will come back again ... 3) you can reject ... but what to reject when things happening all around ... you gain nothing thru rejection, not always though ... rejection is sometime good when there is great chance of hurting yourself. Dealing with all these makes you wiser or a loser who knows ... Somewhere I read this, I realized to be true is that "Life changes the question before you find the answer for it" ... True, life will never let you settle down, give you the pain when you are most comfortable ... you are always vulnerable to things around you ... there is no shield protecting you ... life is a bitch ... the chaos prevails, whatever list you make, whatever steps you take ... being good is not enough, being tough makes no difference .... all things seems to be calm and steady from outside, but always there is undercurrent flowing all the time with twist and turns like a tornado ... beware! The last thing ... Underneath all of that, there is always a pattern, the truth ... its love, best thing about love is that, we choose to give it and we choose to receive it ... making it the least random act in entire universe. Its transcend bluff, transcend betrayal and all the dirt that makes us human ... if you figure that out then the world has nothing on you ...
I wanted to write three blogs in a week ... its like roller coaster ride, the going up, falling down, spin or hanging upside down ... a thrust of feelings in moments ... but as lazy I am, didn't wrote those ... today it seems i will pen a few of those ... may be not the exact what I wanted to write, but lets try ...
First ... life is wonderful ... well this is what i thought always ... no matter how others treats me ... or how hard life can be to sustain ... life is all about the good moments that stays with you for life ... happiness is not a hard thing to find, its just around the corner ... you can extract it from all the life elements around you ... and you always receive gifts for your good being and positive attitude towards life ... you feel lucky to be alive, feel awesome to be around ...
Second ... life sucks ... Whatever you do, whatever you expect, whatever you wish for ... life will turn it down, crash it to the bottom of the ocean ... it will turn your sweet dreams to nightmares ... everything you nourished & cherished burned to ashes ... it will hit you so hard that your strongest resistance will look the most inadequate one ... you feel the most insufficient you can ... all your understanding seems bogus, you will experience all hate despair resentment anger in the world ... you wish the worst for the world ... life seems to you has no meaning, no destiny ... you are broken on ethical logical psychological grounds ... dead inside ...
Third ... life is life ... Well I am in the third, the second in my closet ... I am trying to get the grip back ... holding to the tiniest straw for survival ... letting go a few things ... establishing few more justifications ... life is about challenges, have to deal with hardest one when you are most relaxed ... nothing is fair ... but you can make a difference if you want ... changes are sometime hard to accept, but you have to evolve ... learn a new lessons, wash off few rules, ethics, feelings and instantiate a few more or live with fewer ones ... make the most out of it maintaining balance between what you have and what you want
Nothing or nobody promised me it will never happen ... but I think I am ready to roll the dice, bet and play the ... First ... Second ... Third, over and over again ~:)
Have you seen Scrubs? ... Its a comedy TV series ... If you haven't, you might not recognize the characters and the story line in the video ... Well it doesn't matter ... What I like about in it, is the last few words of wisdom from J.D., the funny intern doctor ... the day dreamer!
"I don't think people are meant to be by themselves ... that's why actually if you find someone you care about ... its important to let go the little things ... even if you can't let go all the way ... because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around."
